Day +17

It amazes me how much energy I've lost in the past 3 weeks. I used to
quietly chuckle when the nurse said I had to walk around the ward 5 times
per day and have a shower. I thought this was silly, since 5 laps around
the ward and a shower is nothing right?

Well, it requires a hell of a lot more energy then I've got right now. My
day so far has consisted of sleeping, and entertaining nurses and a few
visitors. It is nowhere near the energy depletion that I am currently
feeling. I have a feeling that these next few entries will be shorter than
what you're used to, but I'll write as much as I can.

The days are starting to get to me. I'm pretty sure that I sleep so much
just to get away from the life I'm currently living at the hospital. And it
doesn't matter when or how I wake up, I find that most times, I need to
figure out where the hell I am. My hospital room, while familiar, has this
emotional connection with me. Right now, I'm in the lounge, which is a
public area that everyone can go. I generally feel ok out here because I
would not come out if I was about to puke. My room is different.
Everything in that room reminds me that I'm a little closer to death than
most people out there. I can't eat anything that comes from a hospital
tray. Every little nook and cranny of the ceiling has been studied by me
during hours of chemotherapy. I'm probably just being irrational here, but
the thought of having to go back to my room makes me want to cry.

So what do I do? My hospital room is a constant reminder of just how bad a
person can feel. On the other hand, when I'm outside of my room, I'm
terrified that I'm going to catch a bug from someone else. This could all
be a product of my tired brain, but I'm really not dealing well tonight.

Oh, and it may be against the rules, but I want to thank my wife Caitlin for
cuddling with me for two hours tonight. When I'm with my wife, nothing
seems as bad. Even though I've been over-sleeping, I had the most restful
nap in her arms tonight.

I'm done. Goodnight