Day +9 Mmmmm Chocolate

Holy crap can the human mouth hurt or what? Let us recap what I learned
today.

1. Morphine makes me very sleepy and gives no pain relief what so ever.

2. A day in the hospital goes by much quicker when you're only awake and
coherent for 5 hours of it.

3. The ice machine maintenance person does not read my journal. No ice
for Adam today.

4. You cannot kill an ant by dropping it from a high distance. The ant's
body reaches terminal velocity after 4 inches, so they hit the ground at the
same speed no matter how high you drop them.

Sorry, I got number four from the new show on Spike TV called "Hey! Spring
of Trivia". It's a trivia show from Japan that has the same post-production
modifications as Most Extreme Elimination Challenge. Same over-dubs and
sound effects just a different venue.

So let's jump into the medical side of things. I am a model of perfect
health right now if you don't look in my mouth. My tongue has swollen and
there are indentations in the tongue from pressing against the sides of my
teeth. I have to manipulate my tongue (get your minds out of the gutter) in
a twisting motion to make closing my jaw possible. The sores underneath my
tongue are a constant reminder that no matter what kinds of tasty things are
stuck to my upper lip, nothing is worth the pain involved in licking it off.

On a negative note, the eating of pudding has become too painful. Pudding
consumption has ceased for the time being.

On a much more recent positive note, I've discovered that you can dissolve a
chocolate pudding into one of my instant breakfasts. The new recipe
consists of one cup of CHOCOLATE milk, one CHOCOLATE pudding, and one
CHOCOLATE instant breakfast. This stuff is incredible, but I'd get some
insulin ready if you want to try this in the privacy of your own home. I
don't even get to taste most of it. In order to eat at all, the straw has
to be completely past the sores on my tongue. I get that slightly sick
feeling that lets me know that I've had too much chocolate, but other than
that, there's not much in the taste category. The nurses are happy that I
can get anything into me right now, so I'm going to stick with my all
chocolate diet.

I want to say Hi to a couple of my new friends. Lisa, I had a great phone
conversation with you and I hope that we keep in touch. I also have another
inspiration that I met due to this website. Ashley, from right here in Wild
Rose Country has gone through more in her life then I could ever go through,
and she's still kicking ass and taking names.

Ashley's email brought up a feeling in me, and I wanted to talk about it a
bit before I forgot. A lot of people email me to express how sorry they are
that I got this. I've actually been thinking about this for a while and if
I had the choice, I would take having cancer over watching someone go
through it. I see how people look at me when they see me. I see fear,
helplessness, and confusion in many of those around me. They look at me
like I looked at Caity when she was delivering our twins.

I was in the operating room with Caity tucked into a small space where they
could not fill up with machinery. My job was to sit there and coach. The
word coach implies that I had the prior knowledge and experience to
successfully guide Caity into motherhood.

Two words, BULL SHIT

I was a mess. I didn't know if I was coming or going. All I could do was
sit there and act on instinct. Caity thinks I handled it well, but I think I
could have done more. I felt helpless as the doctors worked on Caity
because I knew that I did not have the ability to help in any way.

I think that this is how friends and family of cancer patients feel when
watching someone go through this. There's nothing they can do to ease my
mouth sores, or calm my belly when I vomit, or protect my kidneys from
chemotherapy damage. Once I had that first shot of Chemotherapy, I became
100% dependant on the Hospital and it's staff for my survival. All friends
and family can do now is stand back, rub my head and hope to hell that
things go the right way. I've never done well at watching someone I love in
pain. For me, knowing that I can't help makes me feel weak and powerless.
At least this way I get a little bit of control over the situation right?
Well, I've said it before, and I'll say it again. My wife kicks ass.

Well, it's midnight now so I'm off to bed. Lisa and Ashley, take care of
yourselves and be strong.

goodnight.