Day +37 Steroids and Temper

So I haven't written in a while and I figured that I'd talk about some
stuff. Life has been great the past week. I am slowly getting used to the
new habits of my daughters, and my energy seems to be holding in there. I
have to take a breather every once and a while after a big walk, but I
successfully did a light mountain hike (really light) with my daughter Ara
in a snuggly. The grand parents wouldn't let me go out without two ski
poles for support, but I did the whole walk.

For those of you who don't know, my sister-in-law Shannon will be running a
marathon in Anchorage Alaska in June to raise money for Leukemia research.
My journal caught the eye of one of the team's organizers, and she asked if
the team could run in my name.

Now, bear with me because this is a blatant cash grab here on my part for
what I believe to be a pretty good cause. The team's goal is to raise
39,000.00 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. These 7 people are busting
their asses to help out strangers like me, and if you would like to provide
a donation to them in any form, please email them at this address.

hlmc@telusplanet.net

Their next events are a lottery featuring gifts and donations from various
Calgary businesses (gift certificates and prize donations are also greatly
appreciated), and a fund raising dinner at a Calgary restaurant called
Mykonos on January 18th. Dinner is 30 dollars per adult, and I'm going to
be there so why not come down for the evening. Give me or Shelley Herman
(the email address above) a buzz and we'll hook you up. Mykonos is a Greek
restaurant that kicks a whole bunch of ass so why not make the trip. If you
ask nicely, Caity and I might even bring the twins!!!!!

No joking aside, I've met two of the organizers of the marathon team and
they, like Mykonos kick a whole bunch of ass. I know that everyone out
there has a particular charitable organization that touches them
emotionally, and I am no different. That is why I will continue to mention
them in my web journal so get used to hearing about their progress.

Lets talk about energy now. For anyone going through what I went through,
be prepared for a huge boost in energy when the steroids kick in. The only
problem is that this is a false energy. It doesn't actually exist according
to the doctors at the Tom Baker, and I have to learn to stop before I get
too tired doing any one thing. It's hard to control your activity levels
when you spent the better part of November on your back. I just want to go,
go, go, but I'm still unprepared for how quickly and abruptly my body lets
me know that it's tired. I don't get tired slowly, it's more like a sudden,
abrupt stop in any energy output whatsoever. Follow that by periods of food
cravings that (I've been told) can be compared to a pregnant woman. Oh, and
don't forget the insomnia that we're currently experiencing, and you've got
the entire package.

sort of.

I've got one big problem that I'm having a bit of difficulty with. The
drugs I'm on are causing me to have the temper of a 2 year old. I've always
been a cool head, with the exception of sudden, abrupt pain like a stubbed
toe causing me to get pretty mad, pretty quick. I've found lately that
every annoyance is like a stubbed toe. The anger comes on so strong and
quick that it's sometimes all I can do to stop myself from punching a wall.
Caity and I talked about my rage relating to the kids, and I will admit that
I've had to put down a child and walk away for fear of doing something I'd
regret. You don't have to email me about that little bit, because it's the
last I'm going to talk about it. I am not happy about being called a
potential danger to my children by a team of doctors. I am also not happy
about Caity carrying around anti-psychotic pills in case I go off the deep
end. My levels of steroids were dropped on Monday, and I have noticed a
cooling off so to speak regarding the anger so I'm guessing that as the
steroids come down, my rage, and my false energy will dissipate. Besides,
Caity and I have re-discovered an old way to blow off steam, so I doubt
you'll be reading about me in another newspaper article about how I went
nuts and killed my whole family.

So that's it about the anger, agreed? I normally would open the floor to
any discussion, advice, help etc, but I really want to keep the historical
records of this part to a minimum. It's being dealt with, and I'm very
embarrassed about it so that's it.

Just so everyone knows, I had a great day today. In the past 24 hours I've
broken two major rules the Tom Baker gave me. The first one is my secret,
the second one I will share with you.

Caity and I had a date at one of our favorite restaurants, Chez Francois (Canmore).
They did our catering when we had our wedding and I am never disappointed
when I go there to eat. My god is the food good there. Anyway, I was told
to stay away from restaurants because I can't see if the food is being
prepared properly. Well, aside from a waiter with limited English who had
no idea what "immuno-suppressed" meant, the food and the dining experience
was one of the best I've had. We were also the only ones in the restaurant,
so contact with bugs and germs was at a minimum (5:00pm on a Thursday
afternoon, so the emptiness was no reflection on the quality of the food).
Aside from the physical enjoyment of eating, I think it was the first time I
had been out in public without worrying about germs. Caity and I had the
world to ourselves for two whole hours and for a brief period of time, I was
normal. I wasn't a new dad, I wasn't a cancer survivor, I was on a date
with the woman I love.

I have some other advice for anyone in my shoes. Get your ass back into as
many emotional relationships as possible. Allow yourself to cry at those
damn Canadian Tire Christmas commercials, get in an argument with someone
who pisses you off. Find whatever makes you blow emotionally and keep on
doing it. I think one of the side effects of cancer treatment is that you
retreat into yourself. I never realized it, but I was so into my own fight
that I turned off any other emotions. I'm letting myself cry, letting
myself laugh at anything that I find funny. Do whatever you want. If
you're embarrassed about doing something weird or silly think back to a time
when you were so sick, you didn't even notice a nurse prepping you for an
enema in the hospital. Then re-think why you aren't doing what you need to
do.

Now, if killing small puppies is your thing, I would suggest a different
hobby to let off steam. There are still some things in this world that do
not qualify for therapy and I figure that if chiropractic care is STILL not
fully covered by insurance or Blue Cross here in Alberta, puppy beating has a
long way to go before it hits the mainstream. All I'm saying is find what
works for you and find it quickly. I'm kicking myself for not doing it
sooner.

So, with insomnia still baring it's teeth I shall continue.

Actually, it's been a while since I checked out Rob Glatts's page so I'm off
to be the reader, not the writer. My next doctor's appointment is on
Monday, so I'll have another entry up by then. Oh, and Caity should have an
entry in here soon about her experiences with me in the hospital and
everything else. She's been promising to do this for a while, but her time
is rather limited so I'm not upset.

If there's anything that anyone wants to know, I'm taking requests now.
Since the medical info is slow now, I figure that I can open up the floor to
questions and that will give me the topic to write about. I've forgotten a
lot about what happened in the hospital, but I've got enough people out here
to fill in any blanks I can't remember. Don't feel shy about emailing if
you have a question, since I love to write in this thing. I'm just running
out of topics.

That's it. Remember, give Shelley an email if you can help out a great
cause. In any case, have a good night.