Day +51 Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone.

And Happy New Hair to me. I've got the wispy new baby hair starting on my
head, so I'm taking that as a good sign. I can't remember if my last entry
was a happy one or a sad one so I'm going to sit on the fence for this one.
There's some sad, some happy, and some angry, so here comes the roller
coaster.

I've been riding an "almost" fever for half a day now and I'm scared that
I'm slipping into the Graft vs Host thing. I was doing so well, and then
this morning I woke up with a sore lymph node. I haven't really gotten off
the starting blocks today and it's already the new year in Ontario. It's
most likely just a little bug that I will fight away with my limping immune
system, but I can't help but think about another round in the hospital. It
really is hard to separate the logic from the irrationality of emotion. I'm
trying to be smart about this. I mean, I'm just tired, and my lymph node
doesn't hurt anymore, but I am having trouble not being panicky. How am I
going to go through life if I retreat into a bubble every time I get a
sniffle?

I'm starting to feel fragile as well. I can't really describe what changed
to cause big indestructible Adam into, nervous wreck in any public situation
with more than two people Adam. Caity and I have been living a life of
cancer and babies for so long that if you can't converse with us on those
two topics, you're screwed. Case in point, we had John, Jen, Amy and Ryan
over for chocolate covered bananas with sprinkles and I felt completely left
out of everything. I was nobody's fault, but I just felt like I was an
outsider that didn't quite fit it. When we talked about cancer I was fine.
When we talked about babies I was fine. But I don't have a life outside of
that and this was made very clear to me that night. I love all four of
those above -mentioned people, but I was unable to enjoy the night to the
fullest due to whatever this mental funk is. I really do have a full-time
job as a parent/cancer patient and it shows.

On a happier note, my babies are adorable. They're crying and generally
carrying on right now upstairs, but we're in Canmore, and the Supermom trio
is in full force, so I'm taking advantage of it. They seem to be changing
every day, and all the crying and bad sleep all gets forgotten when I get a
smile from one of them. There are times when I think about making a series
of videos for them in later life. Kind of like the movie "My Life" starring
Michael Keaton as a terminally ill cancer patient. Two problems, I don't
own a video camera, and I'm too lazy right now.

Speaking of cancer patients, Caity and I did a neat thing for Christmas. We
bought a TV/DVD combo, and some DVD's and donated them to the Tom Baker's
Unit 57. My brother threw in a Playstation 2 and the nurses put the entire
thing on a portable cart. It is Caity's and my desire to add to the cart
every little while, so that people who can't get out of bed in Unit 57 can
have something to do. If I had the money, I'd buy out the current TV
contract the Tom Baker has and give everyone free TV while they are there.
It cost me almost 300 dollars for one month of TV and phone in my hospital
room, and I think that is just highway robbery. Whoever runs the TV/phone
department, needs to pull their head out of their ass and realize that
cancer patients just might deserve a few breaks in life.

I think I need to go to my shrink. This whole journal thing is great, but
I'm really starting to feel myself fall in to an emotional pit and I want to
pull myself out before they need to throw me a rope. I've never been fond
of psychiatrists, but I think that I'm just going to have to go for it. I
t5hink if I was female, I wouldn't even be typing this. Why are males so
stubborn and stupid when it comes to doctors and hospitals? I've never had
anything but great care in the hospital, and the head shrinker isn't even
going to give me chemotherapy, so why am I nervous? Hell, all this is going
out on the internet to strangers and I'm sitting here concerned about
talking to someone who is under a legal obligation to keep everything I say
a secret. See, this is why I'm going nuts.

Ok, I'm done or tonight. Have a great new year everyone. Let's hope that
Caity and I never EVER have a year like this again.

Good Bye 2004. You gave me a lot to think about.