Day +51 Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone.

And Happy New Hair to me. I've got the wispy new baby hair starting on my
head, so I'm taking that as a good sign. I can't remember if my last entry
was a happy one or a sad one so I'm going to sit on the fence for this one.
There's some sad, some happy, and some angry, so here comes the roller
coaster.

I've been riding an "almost" fever for half a day now and I'm scared that
I'm slipping into the Graft vs Host thing. I was doing so well, and then
this morning I woke up with a sore lymph node. I haven't really gotten off
the starting blocks today and it's already the new year in Ontario. It's
most likely just a little bug that I will fight away with my limping immune
system, but I can't help but think about another round in the hospital. It
really is hard to separate the logic from the irrationality of emotion. I'm
trying to be smart about this. I mean, I'm just tired, and my lymph node
doesn't hurt anymore, but I am having trouble not being panicky. How am I
going to go through life if I retreat into a bubble every time I get a
sniffle?

I'm starting to feel fragile as well. I can't really describe what changed
to cause big indestructible Adam into, nervous wreck in any public situation
with more than two people Adam. Caity and I have been living a life of
cancer and babies for so long that if you can't converse with us on those
two topics, you're screwed. Case in point, we had John, Jen, Amy and Ryan
over for chocolate covered bananas with sprinkles and I felt completely left
out of everything. I was nobody's fault, but I just felt like I was an
outsider that didn't quite fit it. When we talked about cancer I was fine.
When we talked about babies I was fine. But I don't have a life outside of
that and this was made very clear to me that night. I love all four of
those above -mentioned people, but I was unable to enjoy the night to the
fullest due to whatever this mental funk is. I really do have a full-time
job as a parent/cancer patient and it shows.

On a happier note, my babies are adorable. They're crying and generally
carrying on right now upstairs, but we're in Canmore, and the Supermom trio
is in full force, so I'm taking advantage of it. They seem to be changing
every day, and all the crying and bad sleep all gets forgotten when I get a
smile from one of them. There are times when I think about making a series
of videos for them in later life. Kind of like the movie "My Life" starring
Michael Keaton as a terminally ill cancer patient. Two problems, I don't
own a video camera, and I'm too lazy right now.

Speaking of cancer patients, Caity and I did a neat thing for Christmas. We
bought a TV/DVD combo, and some DVD's and donated them to the Tom Baker's
Unit 57. My brother threw in a Playstation 2 and the nurses put the entire
thing on a portable cart. It is Caity's and my desire to add to the cart
every little while, so that people who can't get out of bed in Unit 57 can
have something to do. If I had the money, I'd buy out the current TV
contract the Tom Baker has and give everyone free TV while they are there.
It cost me almost 300 dollars for one month of TV and phone in my hospital
room, and I think that is just highway robbery. Whoever runs the TV/phone
department, needs to pull their head out of their ass and realize that
cancer patients just might deserve a few breaks in life.

I think I need to go to my shrink. This whole journal thing is great, but
I'm really starting to feel myself fall in to an emotional pit and I want to
pull myself out before they need to throw me a rope. I've never been fond
of psychiatrists, but I think that I'm just going to have to go for it. I
t5hink if I was female, I wouldn't even be typing this. Why are males so
stubborn and stupid when it comes to doctors and hospitals? I've never had
anything but great care in the hospital, and the head shrinker isn't even
going to give me chemotherapy, so why am I nervous? Hell, all this is going
out on the internet to strangers and I'm sitting here concerned about
talking to someone who is under a legal obligation to keep everything I say
a secret. See, this is why I'm going nuts.

Ok, I'm done or tonight. Have a great new year everyone. Let's hope that
Caity and I never EVER have a year like this again.

Good Bye 2004. You gave me a lot to think about.

Day +42 Missing the Mary Jane

Well, I feel like shit today. I'm off the Nabilone (marijuana derivative to
help with nausea) and my steroid dosage was dropped again. I feel like a
heroin addict coming down off a high. I'm really shaky, and my body can't
figure out whether to sweat profusely or shake in uncontrollable chills. I've
found that the only place I feel comfortable is in the shower lying in the
bath and letting the water hit me from above.

The appetite is down as well. My mom says I should not worry because I'm
starting to eat like a normal, inactive person. I did have some fresh
tomatoes with dinner today, but I had to wash them with dish soap to clean
the skin. I've never washed produce with dish soap before and I am positive
that the lemon fresh scent of Sunlight does not mix well with Sun dried
Tomato and Oregano salad dressing.

Another negative part of today was that Caity discovered that I'm not
actually growing hair. The stubble that I had on my head has started to
fall out with light rubbing so it looks like I'll be bald for a while. I
know I haven't expressed much of a concern for my hair, but it really is one
of the most visual signs that I'm sick. The only other part of me that I
hate to look at is the central line, but I've gotten used to that, and I
know that it'll be gone in a month. It's the hair that's bugging me, but
I've found that shampooing with a anti-dandruff shampoo helps a bit wit23 h the
humour aspect.

Today I'm done with feeling bad. I want it to end. I'm not having the fun
I used to and I'm finding that it's harder to smile and joke about what's
happening. I don't have the energy to take care of my own kids and I'm
tired of being tired. Sorry for the sourness of this entry, but today is
not a happy day, so this is what you get. If it weren't for the fact that
it was Christmas, I might consider going back to the hospital and sleeping
there. I have this worried feeling that something is not right, and I'm
just sitting here at home oblivious to the fact that I'm slowly dying and
the doctors at the Tom Baker could be doing something right now if I was
there.

Anyway, sorry again for the entry, but if I'm going to write about the good
times, I've got to write about the bad times. I think that I'm going to
give back the book Maureen (the shrink) gave me. The guy who wrote it
climbed Everest, then got Acute Myeloid Leukemia. That's one level higher
than I got, but the guy writes like every day was glorious. His wife cooked
all of his meals and spend 14 hours a day at the hospital. He also rode the
stationary bike at Unit 57 for hours and reading the book generally made me
feel like shit. I basically just lay there and typed in the hospital and
here is this guy riding and energetic, and happy. I don't want to be a
bastard here but after reading the first 50 pages about how positive and
happy and strong this guy is I want in my heart to yell out a huge "FUCK
YOU" for making me feel like a second class cancer patient. I guess I'll
come back to the book in a while, but it was not doing much for my morale.
He is a very good writer though, and his wife wrote every second chapter so
I guess that's a slight fuck you to Caity and her ever looming and still
unpresent journal entry. Well, we do have twins and mountain boy just had
his wife, and I would never, ever, question Caity's dedication to her kids
and me. She is beyond any criticism, comment, or complaint in my eyes and I
would take her over any home cooked 14 hour day hospital visiting super
wife.

That's about as much negative energy as I'm willing to vent in one sitting so
I'm going to bed. I've been there most of the day, but it's time to take
the medications and hit the sack. I'm really fighting the urge to take a
Nabilone, but I will also never allow myself to bend to a craving.

Now that's a joke!!!!

Goodnight, and thanks. I feel a bit better getting that off my chest

Day +40 A Colony of Doctors

Well, I just got back from my latest hospital visit and all is well. My
levels are holding and other than some low potassium levels I'm ok. I
actually got a good sleep at the hospital while the potassium was dripping
into me.

I noticed a neat relationship between ants and doctors. Please understand
that I hold no disrespect for any doctor I've ever met, I just happen to
notice that you act collectively like a ant farm.

Let me explain.

At first I'm sitting in a room by myself. After a short time a younger
doctor (scout ant) comes in, asks some questions and leaves. You wait for a
little while longer, and all of a sudden, doctors are coming out of the walls.
There is a steady stream of doctors entering the room who are most likely
following the scent trail left by the first scout doctor. Like ants, they
attack in groups so that even if you take out a few of them, there are more
to take their place. There are younger "worker doctors" flanking the
"soldier doctors" swarming around my room. They're up my shirt, in my ear,
up my nose. I'm surprised that I haven't been carried away yet since
doctors, like ants possess super strength. I'm sure there must be a "queen
doctor" living in the dark basement of the Foothills Hospital pumping out
worker doctors and such, but I'm not strong enough right now to go exploring
in the Foothills basement, and I don't think I would go unless I had one of
those exo-skeletons like Ripley had when she kicked the holy crap out of the
Queen Alien in the movie "Aliens".

I'm not sure if I'm done being silly, but I'm not done writing so lets
continue.

For those of you concerned about my lower GI tract, I have good news. The
pipes are working in perfect order now. We've survived dairy products,
fruit, and my homemade chili. I actually went and had a Wendy's Spicy
Chicken sandwich today. I'll keep you posted to see how long that one stays
in me. As for everything else, the insomnia is still around, but we've
switched up my anti-nausea meds, and lowered my steroid levels so that might
help.

I think that I'm starting to get used to the decreased energy. I was told
to expect a "mourning" period regarding my activity levels. I fought it for
a while, but I think that was making my short fuse shorter. I've seemed to
come to terms with the fact that I'm not going to be 100% for at least six
months, and I seem to enjoy the quieter times in life more. I love cuddling
my babies, and I find myself contemplating life and daydreaming about the
summer, my 30th birthday in February, Christmas, etc. I've been changed by
this experience, and I'm not sure what the final person will be like, but
I'm starting to get to know him, and he's not too bad. He seems to take
more pleasure in the simple things in life, and it's a refreshing way to
live, rather than bitching and whining about what you don't have, or how
life continues to deny me my motorcycle that I so obviously deserve.

While I'm thinking about it, I have some advice to future residents of Unit
57 in the Tom Baker Cancer Centre. Get yourself a cool necklace. Your
central line will need to be supported by a tie around your neck so there
is no pulling on the insertion point, but the Tom Baker gives you the
equivalent of a white shoelace that you safety pin your central line ports
to. This white shoelace will stick out of every shirt you own, and it looks
like it's from a hospital. I just got in the mail an awesome necklace made
by one of my best friends, Jen McAllister(Jen Morrison). It's a shell
necklace that has orange tinted shells. Orange by the way is the colour
that represents blood and bone cancer so the necklace is even more
meaningful. But I'm serious, if you've got a central line, get every bit of
medical junk off of there that you can. You'll feel so much better. It's
bad enough to look in the mirror every day and see the bald head, the skinny
legs, the sunken eyes, but you don't need a whole bunch of medical junk
hanging off your neck.

Oh, I remember what made me laugh in the Tom Baker today. I was walking out
of the bone marrow transplant department, and I had to walk by the waiting
room for the main ground floor area. Now, this is a big room, and at any
one time, there are about 30 people waiting. Well, the place was packed
today, and the one TV in the corner of the room had been turned to the
Westminster Dog Show or whatever that dog show is. Now, cancer patients
don't look like a very happy bunch, but you could tell that whoever had
changed the channel to the dog show was done and gone, and everyone else was
staring at the damn dog show simply because we've all read everything in the
waiting room. I felt so bad for everyone there, but at the same time,
nobody had the guts to stand up and change the channel. I find that TV's in
the Tom Baker are usually tuned to strange things. The CT Scan room usually
has the shopping channel, and I've seen the weather channel on more than
once in X-ray. I'm guessing it's a motivational thing for the patients.
They get so tired of the shit TV that they make a quicker recovery. I also
heard a rumor that "CODE MAUVE" is actually hospital code to warn hospital
staff of upcoming quality television programming about to appear on a public
TV so that they can change the channel to something more mind numbing.

So, just take this entry with a grain of salt if you find anything
insulting. I love the doctors, I love the Tom Baker, I just found today
rather like a Seinfeld episode. Weird observations about life were
everywhere. The Tom Baker really is a fantastic place, and I owe them
everything, but today was damn funny.

Oh, and if you drive a black Lexus, you're balding, and you like to have
full volume arguments on your cell phone headset as you burrow your way
through traffic on 16th Ave at stupid speeds let me give you some advice
about today.

I make YOU look unhealthy right now. You really need to relax.

Day +37 Steroids and Temper

So I haven't written in a while and I figured that I'd talk about some
stuff. Life has been great the past week. I am slowly getting used to the
new habits of my daughters, and my energy seems to be holding in there. I
have to take a breather every once and a while after a big walk, but I
successfully did a light mountain hike (really light) with my daughter Ara
in a snuggly. The grand parents wouldn't let me go out without two ski
poles for support, but I did the whole walk.

For those of you who don't know, my sister-in-law Shannon will be running a
marathon in Anchorage Alaska in June to raise money for Leukemia research.
My journal caught the eye of one of the team's organizers, and she asked if
the team could run in my name.

Now, bear with me because this is a blatant cash grab here on my part for
what I believe to be a pretty good cause. The team's goal is to raise
39,000.00 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. These 7 people are busting
their asses to help out strangers like me, and if you would like to provide
a donation to them in any form, please email them at this address.

hlmc@telusplanet.net

Their next events are a lottery featuring gifts and donations from various
Calgary businesses (gift certificates and prize donations are also greatly
appreciated), and a fund raising dinner at a Calgary restaurant called
Mykonos on January 18th. Dinner is 30 dollars per adult, and I'm going to
be there so why not come down for the evening. Give me or Shelley Herman
(the email address above) a buzz and we'll hook you up. Mykonos is a Greek
restaurant that kicks a whole bunch of ass so why not make the trip. If you
ask nicely, Caity and I might even bring the twins!!!!!

No joking aside, I've met two of the organizers of the marathon team and
they, like Mykonos kick a whole bunch of ass. I know that everyone out
there has a particular charitable organization that touches them
emotionally, and I am no different. That is why I will continue to mention
them in my web journal so get used to hearing about their progress.

Lets talk about energy now. For anyone going through what I went through,
be prepared for a huge boost in energy when the steroids kick in. The only
problem is that this is a false energy. It doesn't actually exist according
to the doctors at the Tom Baker, and I have to learn to stop before I get
too tired doing any one thing. It's hard to control your activity levels
when you spent the better part of November on your back. I just want to go,
go, go, but I'm still unprepared for how quickly and abruptly my body lets
me know that it's tired. I don't get tired slowly, it's more like a sudden,
abrupt stop in any energy output whatsoever. Follow that by periods of food
cravings that (I've been told) can be compared to a pregnant woman. Oh, and
don't forget the insomnia that we're currently experiencing, and you've got
the entire package.

sort of.

I've got one big problem that I'm having a bit of difficulty with. The
drugs I'm on are causing me to have the temper of a 2 year old. I've always
been a cool head, with the exception of sudden, abrupt pain like a stubbed
toe causing me to get pretty mad, pretty quick. I've found lately that
every annoyance is like a stubbed toe. The anger comes on so strong and
quick that it's sometimes all I can do to stop myself from punching a wall.
Caity and I talked about my rage relating to the kids, and I will admit that
I've had to put down a child and walk away for fear of doing something I'd
regret. You don't have to email me about that little bit, because it's the
last I'm going to talk about it. I am not happy about being called a
potential danger to my children by a team of doctors. I am also not happy
about Caity carrying around anti-psychotic pills in case I go off the deep
end. My levels of steroids were dropped on Monday, and I have noticed a
cooling off so to speak regarding the anger so I'm guessing that as the
steroids come down, my rage, and my false energy will dissipate. Besides,
Caity and I have re-discovered an old way to blow off steam, so I doubt
you'll be reading about me in another newspaper article about how I went
nuts and killed my whole family.

So that's it about the anger, agreed? I normally would open the floor to
any discussion, advice, help etc, but I really want to keep the historical
records of this part to a minimum. It's being dealt with, and I'm very
embarrassed about it so that's it.

Just so everyone knows, I had a great day today. In the past 24 hours I've
broken two major rules the Tom Baker gave me. The first one is my secret,
the second one I will share with you.

Caity and I had a date at one of our favorite restaurants, Chez Francois (Canmore).
They did our catering when we had our wedding and I am never disappointed
when I go there to eat. My god is the food good there. Anyway, I was told
to stay away from restaurants because I can't see if the food is being
prepared properly. Well, aside from a waiter with limited English who had
no idea what "immuno-suppressed" meant, the food and the dining experience
was one of the best I've had. We were also the only ones in the restaurant,
so contact with bugs and germs was at a minimum (5:00pm on a Thursday
afternoon, so the emptiness was no reflection on the quality of the food).
Aside from the physical enjoyment of eating, I think it was the first time I
had been out in public without worrying about germs. Caity and I had the
world to ourselves for two whole hours and for a brief period of time, I was
normal. I wasn't a new dad, I wasn't a cancer survivor, I was on a date
with the woman I love.

I have some other advice for anyone in my shoes. Get your ass back into as
many emotional relationships as possible. Allow yourself to cry at those
damn Canadian Tire Christmas commercials, get in an argument with someone
who pisses you off. Find whatever makes you blow emotionally and keep on
doing it. I think one of the side effects of cancer treatment is that you
retreat into yourself. I never realized it, but I was so into my own fight
that I turned off any other emotions. I'm letting myself cry, letting
myself laugh at anything that I find funny. Do whatever you want. If
you're embarrassed about doing something weird or silly think back to a time
when you were so sick, you didn't even notice a nurse prepping you for an
enema in the hospital. Then re-think why you aren't doing what you need to
do.

Now, if killing small puppies is your thing, I would suggest a different
hobby to let off steam. There are still some things in this world that do
not qualify for therapy and I figure that if chiropractic care is STILL not
fully covered by insurance or Blue Cross here in Alberta, puppy beating has a
long way to go before it hits the mainstream. All I'm saying is find what
works for you and find it quickly. I'm kicking myself for not doing it
sooner.

So, with insomnia still baring it's teeth I shall continue.

Actually, it's been a while since I checked out Rob Glatts's page so I'm off
to be the reader, not the writer. My next doctor's appointment is on
Monday, so I'll have another entry up by then. Oh, and Caity should have an
entry in here soon about her experiences with me in the hospital and
everything else. She's been promising to do this for a while, but her time
is rather limited so I'm not upset.

If there's anything that anyone wants to know, I'm taking requests now.
Since the medical info is slow now, I figure that I can open up the floor to
questions and that will give me the topic to write about. I've forgotten a
lot about what happened in the hospital, but I've got enough people out here
to fill in any blanks I can't remember. Don't feel shy about emailing if
you have a question, since I love to write in this thing. I'm just running
out of topics.

That's it. Remember, give Shelley an email if you can help out a great
cause. In any case, have a good night.

Day +31 Letter to My Donor

>A letter to my donor.
>
> Hi There;

I wanted to wait to write you to make sure that I could write with
> happy news. So far, it looks like all of your hard work and pain are living
> within me quite successfully. I was amazed when I saw the amount of marrow
> you gave me. I've had a few bone marrow biopsies in my time, and I can't
> imagine how much that hurt to get all that marrow out of you.
>
> I really wish that I could convey how special your gift of bone marrow was
> to me. You really have no idea what kind of positive effect you have had on
> me and my family. I hope that one day, I will be able to provide more
> information regarding how great your gift is. But for right now, all I can
> say is that I'm doing great, and I have been discharged from the hospital
> and am living at home. I would love to say that life is returning to
> normal, but until the shock of being alive wears off, I think I will
> refrain from labeling anything as normal.
>
> I do have a strange question for you that I am hoping will make it past the
> bone marrow letter police; "do you enjoy fruit?" The reason that I ask, is
> I've always been a meat and potatoes kind of person, and all I can think
> about these days are fruits and vegetables, so I'm wondering if I've picked
> up on any of your eating habits. I'm not sure how legitimate the science is
> behind the effects of a bone marrow transplant on appetite and taste, but
> there has been a dramatic shift in my food preferences so I thought I'd ask.
>
> Anyway, I've got to go. Please keep in touch, as nothing would please me
> more than being able to one day travel to wherever you are and shake your
> hand. You've saved my life, and I want you to know that I am forever in
> your debt.

Day +31 There is no "I" in Team

> So, here I am after what seems like a long absence from my journal. Life
> has been rolling along at a busy pace over here and it's taken me a while to
> get used to my new role as a parent again. It was quite intimidating to
> walk into my own house and witness the sheer mom perfection that was the
> team of Caity, Sandi (Caity's mom), and Elli (my mom). They were a well-oiled machine that was
> processing babies at an alarming rate and it was all I could do there for a
> while to sit back and watch the process. Sandi has gone home and it sounds
> like my mom is gone as of Jan 6th. I was a bit worried at first about
> being left with a strange wife and strange babies in a strange house, but
> now that I'm finding that my strength coming back, I'm not so worried
> anymore. I was really concerned that I would be baby #3 on Caity's care
> list so the fact that I'm getting stronger is a real positive impact on my
> mental state.
>
> I wrote a letter to my donor today. I'm not allowed to include any personal
> details so the letter is basically a "thanks for the bone marrow" type of
> thing. Hallmark was coming up short with the funny organ donor cards so I
> had to write my own. It's somewhere in or around this journal entry
> (wherever Jim puts it) so give it a look if you want. On the other hand, if you
> know of any male living in England, Scotland, or one of those Northern
> European countries who just gave bone marrow, pass along this website so
> that he can get a glimpse of how much he has impacted my life.
>
> Medically, I can't really complain about much. I'm still having a bit of
> trouble regulating my temperature at night time. Sandi said it sounded like
> early pregnancy or menopause, but combined with my weird food cravings, and
> increased sense of smell, the joke is that I'm pregnant. That wasn't bone
> marrow the put into me, it was eggs!!!! It's going to be like that scene
> from aliens all over again. OK, most likely not, but I don't remember much
> about what happened to me in the hospital.
>
> I had a talk with Caity a day ago. We really were not feeling like we were
> a team at all so we spent a few hours in the morning just talking. I guess
> there were days that I was in the hospital that I had a lot of people really
> scared. It's hard to really think about how sick I was. I remember not
> feeling well, but Caity has stories of me hallucinating in my hospital bed,
> and twitching and "dancing". She has promised to write an entry with some of
> her more memorable "Adam moments". Hell, up until yesterday, I've been
> yelling at the TV at Ralph Klein (Alberta's premier) about how his stupid
> stand on gay marriage will affect his election results. I found out last
> night that the election was over two weeks ago. I guess he already won the
> election. Congrats Ralphie.... Now how about pulling your head out of your
> ass and realizing that gay marriage is just as legit and should be embraced
> rather than shunned in today's society.
>
> Anyway, on another subject, Caity and I are finding "our team" again, and I no
> longer see her as just the mother of my children. I wish I could really
> explain how easy it is to get inside your own problems and forget about
> others. Caity was so busy with the kids and the house, and I was busy with
> my fight, and I think we forgot that we were husband and wife somewhere
> along the road.
> Well, we're back as a unit and I think that's helping the house more than
> anything. I really do still think that she's the most beautiful person I've
> ever met. I'm just glad I'm getting the chance to get to know her all over
> again.
>
> That's it for today folks. I've got a doctor's appointment on Monday, so
> that will be the next update. Have a great weekend, and if you happen to be
> weightlifting in Okotoks on Sunday morning, I'll see you there tomorrow.
> I'm just coming for a social visit, but I see myself as a blank canvas for
> Bruce to mold into a champion, so I want to make sure he's got all the
> information about me so that we can plan my return to action. I'm not
> allowed to lift anything anyway until my central line comes out so I'm
> still a month away from any weights.
>
> later.
>
>
>

Day +27 Bye Bye Unit 57

Well, about 30 seconds ago I got the official discharge from the ward which
means that I'm now going to be driving into town everyday to get my meds and
vitals done at the outpatient ward, while spending all my other time at
home.

Right?

Wrong!!!!!!!

I'M TOO HEALTHY FOR THAT BABY!!!!!! I GOT BUMPED RIGHT OUT OF OUTPATIENT
CARE TO THE WEEKLY AND MONTHLY CARE STATUS!!!!! My next hospital visit is
on Thursday. That's right, I shocked the doctors so much with my recovery
that I skipped a grade so to speak. I drove myself to the hospital today,
and I even stopped by the office yesterday to see everyone.

I wish I could describe the love I feel when I walk into my office building.
Maybe it's because the first thing you see is Wendy's beaming smile.
After that, it's really hard to have a bad day. Anyway, I walked into the
office and everyone came out to see me. I picked up some news releases for
changes to the company, and had a great chat with everyone. I know people
out there are saying

"GEEZ ADAM, you've got a goldmine of time off to rest and recuperate and
the first thing you do no more than 10 minutes after they release you from
the hospital yesterday is to go to work"?

Well, yeah it is a bit creepy I guess, but my job is that important to me.
I love the people I work with, I love the people I work for and believe it
or not, I love accounting, and I've learned so much in the past couple
months working with Don. Just getting back into the building and walking
around the office brings a person back to the real world. It's been a while
since I was in the regular person's world, and being at the office yesterday
reminded me of one of the main reasons why I fought so hard to stay alive.

I definitely overdid things a bit yesterday, and paid for it with a nap and
a long sleep in my own bed last night. I think I'm still a little winded
from all the walking yesterday but I'm sure that will go away when my red
blood cells return to normal and I build up some bulk on my body.

Speaking of bulk, I have a pair of stretchy jeans that used to make my
power lifting ass look sooooooooo good. I've got them on and it looks like
I'm wearing painter pants. Such stupid, thin little legs I've got.

Well, since I'm off till Thursday, I will declare a brief rest in the
journals until then. I'm going to spend some time with my girls today, and
kick Caity and the Super-Super-Mom's out of the house for a while. I
declare it to be father-daughter day at the Price household.

Later

Day +25 - Home

It figures. I'm in here on the verge of getting out and rejoining society,
and it looks like there's a new pill on the market to take over where my
poor little Gleevec failed me the first time. Oh well, I'm actually not mad
at all. I'm very happy to see such huge advances in cancer research and I'm
glad that Leukemia happens to be one of the cancers that they seem to be
blowing large holes in these days.

In fact, I would say that I have valued every day I've spent in here. I
would be far less of a man if I was still just taking a few pills and going
on with my day like a regular human being. I am not a regular human being.
I am a cancer survivor. I never wanted to use that term before since all I
was doing was taking a few pills a day. However, now I have been through a
round of chemo, I have spend over one month in a hospital bed, I have had to
deal with more vomiting and runny shit than most people do in a lifetime,
and I've got another six months of wondering if the procedure worked.

Today I feel I have earned the right to call myself a survivor.

Do you know in the movie the Princess Bride, when Weasley and Buttercup are
surrounded by Humperdink's men after they emerge from the fireswamp? Well,
Leukemia is my fireswamp. I've been through the chemo, I've been through a
lot, and the reason I call myself a survivor is that I KNOW I could do it
all over again if I had to. Don't get me wrong, the Tom Baker is not a
place I'd like to build a summer home in or anything, but I have been tested
by this building and this disease, and I know I have proven something very
important to myself.

I'm 175 pounds today. I entered into this whole thing at about 205 so my
joke about going on the 30 pounds in 30 days weight loss plan seems to have
come true. Instead of the 6 pack abs and the chiseled chest I thought I
would have :-) I seem to have completely lost all the muscle tone in my lower
body. My body went and pulled all of the nutrients it required over the
past month from my muscle tissue instead of my fat. So I've still got some
paunch, but my ass and thighs have completely disappeared. I went to run
upstairs today at home and made it to the tenth step before collapsing on the
second landing for a breather.

For those of you who just caught that last line and are still processing it,
let me type it again.

"I went to run upstairs today AT HOME!!!!!"

That's right people. The reason for my absence is that for the past two
days, I have had a 6 hour day pass at home. I have re-bonded with my kids,
I have cuddled with my wife, and I have eaten very well. My doctor is very
optimistic about sending me home to sleep tomorrow and I am all for it. It
is amazing how much more energized you feel outside of a hospital. I step
out those double sliding doors at the entrance to the Tom Baker Cancer
Centre and although nobody can see it behind the surgical mask, I'm grinning
like an idiot every time. Now that my appetite is back, I can start taking
more medications by mouth. Once I'm more self sufficient and the doctors
decide that I'm ready, I'll be transferred to unit 58b. It's an outpatient
clinic for cancer patients and it's just down the hallway. Patients drive
in every day, and get their meds and vitals checked and then get the hell
out of there. All I know is I can't wait to crawl into bed beside my
wonderful wife and hold her until I fall asleep. My platelets are also
strong enough to support some light weight lifting. Get ready body, you
thought cancer was hard on you, wait till I'm done with you.

Prediction: I will be 225 pounds of solid muscle by next Christmas.
Caity's mom says that I'm perfect just the way that I am. In fact, aside
from the bald head, most people say I look rather normally built for a guy
right now. But, as most of you have already determined, I don't usually let
myself be satisfied with the concept of normal. 2005 will be a rebuilding
year, but wait till you see me then.

Speaking of seeing me in 2005, I want to alert readers to a slight change I
think I might make to the format of this journal. Once I go home, I want to
concentrate my time on re-building what I have lost, so I will be cutting
back on the entries. I will post a couple times a week, but I'm finding
that I have too much drive right now to stick my ass in front of a computer
screen and type for three hours. Those three hours will now be spent
working out, and I will take advantage of the fact that I'll have my kitchen
back again to cook some serious power food.

Now, this timeline only works if I am able to keep the big forms of graft vs
host disease away. Aside from that, it's waiting for my medications to go
away so my new immune system can start fighting on it's own. I do have
white blood cells right now, but they are reduced in effectiveness, by the
immuno-suppressant drugs, so places like offices, malls, movie theatres,
sports stadiums will be dangerous to me until I can fight germs on my own.

Well, that's about it. Here's hoping that this is one of the last times I
find myself alone at a public computer in the patient wing of the Tom Baker
Cancer Centre.

Adam (Survivor) Price

Just a quick note to all you guys. I just got my blood counts from this
morning.
Blood Product Normal Yesterday Today

Red blood cells 130ish 109 109 (needs work)
Platelets 150-500 61 66 (able to shave with a razor now)
White blood cells 4-7 1.2 3.5 YEAH BABY
WBC-Neutrophils over one is good 0.9 2 POINT FUCKING 8 BABY

I am not on any big immuno-suppressant drugs, I have been cleared to
run around willy nilly with no surgical mask. Everyone is going to see my
smile tomorrow, and I've been given the expressed written permission to kiss
the hell out of my wife. I blew everyone away with today's blood work I
guess, because they've been waiting to tell me ever since I left.

Anyway, I'm off to talk to my beautiful wife in the common room since I let
the cable and phone go in my room. I've also got to go find a non-used TV
around here so I can watch Extreme Home Makeover tonight. My right eye is
still a little blurry, so I can't read the Lance Armstrong book I got, but I
think cranky buddy boy over in the next lounge is getting pissed off with
the lack of television on TV. Luckily he looks, really tired so I should be
able to catch Extreme Home Makeover after he goes to bed. Some part of me
hopes that he is doing well, but frankly, I'm too happy about my blood
numbers to worry too much about others tonight.

Night everyone

Day +23 Part Two

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention one more thing about today. I'm eating!!!!!! Good lord I love apples. I used to hate apples, but I can't get enough of apple related products. I'm starting to branch out into strawberry, peach, and melon, but good lord do I have craving after craving for fruit. Meat makes me gag, starches are unappetizing, and don't show me a vegetable, but I LOVE FRUIT!!!

On a sad note, we might have met the death of Adam's Chocolate cravings. The thought of chocolate is not appealing for me. I'm having a bit of difficulty looking at chocolate on TV, or smelling it in the hallway. I saw a commercial for a chocolate product this morning and all I could think about was how nice a fresh fruit flan would be instead.

That's right. the world's worst chocoholic on the entire planet just thought how nice a fresh fruit flan would be.

mmmmmmmmm FLAN

Goodnight

Day +23 Progress

HOLY CRAP! Did we have a breakthrough in the last 24 hours. Sorry about not writing yesterday, but I was in a bit of a world of hurt. besides, I've got so much to tell you about what has happened to me.

So let's start as we always do with the medical side of things. We did a second CT scan today to check the progress of the air bubbles in my liver. What the doctors failed to tell me two days ago is that air in the liver is much more serious than I was lead to believe. Anyway, I'm happy to report that the air bubbles are gone and I've been put on steroids to fight the fevers. I would have liked to have dealt with the fevers earlier, but I understand that the doctors needed to rule out all infections before it would have been prudent to change tactics.

When I woke up this morning, I could have told them that I was feeling better. I really wish I could explain how much better I feel than yesterday. I actually refused a wheelchair ride to the CT scan and chose to walk all the way from the Tom Baker to the Foothills Main building for the scan. I used the hospital porter as a guide and a backup in case I was not able to make it all the way. I then got up and walked back to the Tom Baker.........

OUTSIDE!!!!!!

I can't even tell you how strong I felt being outside for the first time in a month. I think an armed gang of thugs would have had a tough time bringing me down this morning. The CT appointment was actually quite fun since all the staff knew about my anal adventures to come. I had the doctors in a bit of a panic about my bowels so today I've also had my first ever enema, my first ever adult diaper, and my first ever anal probe. I know there's a more proper name for it, but come on, someone shoved a foot long tube up my butt and took samples by cutting small pieces out of my bowel wall. We also found a polyp, which the doctor was more than happy to deal with free of charge out of the goodness of his heart. Anyway, let's get back to the CT scan for the moment.

On the front of my patient file is my schedule for the day. That means that everyone in the CT department knew where I was going after the scan. I think they used every single butt joke in the English language. Thanks to everyone in the CT department, cause you made my day.

As far as the rest of it went, the enema was an enema. The best way I can describe it was like being a Tim Horton's cream filled donut at the cream filling stage. It wasn't bad, it just felt "original"

And you know, while I'm on the subject about fun appointments. The anal probe was really cool. I was awake and got to watch the entire thing on the camera. It's not every day that you get to see the inside of your own ass right, so I had to go for it. They had a nice little drug cocktail for pain and anxiety, that probably made the whole experience much cooler than it was. But come on, I got to see the inside of my own butt!!! The doctor who did it was also named Price, so we had a lot of fun on that point as well. Come to think of it, it was most likely the drugs that made it more cool, so scratch that whole last part about anal fascination .

Emotionally, I'm doing great as well. I had a real problem earlier on in the week, which I'm happy to say was cured by a lot of visiting by my mom. Mom, you will never know how you helped me get through the hard mornings. Don't forget Caity, she's up to doing her supermom/supersupporter/super person routine as usual. I figure that she's about ready to evolve into a being made up of pure energy anytime soon, since no human could do what she does day in and day out.

Now, how about something a bit more serious for a bit. I wasn't sure about this week when it first started. I tried not to let anyone know too much about how I was feeling, but I was about 50% ready to call it quits. It's amazing how much a two week old fever can effect a persons will to fight. I didn't want to tell Caity about that, but luckily, I got to wrestle through a lot of my problems with Mom. I'm happy to report that I am officially 100% back to fighting spirit.

Fuck you Leukemia, if that's the best you got, then your best isn't nearly good enough.

Day +21 Mystery Fever

So Caity is typing this for me while I dictate it. Seeing as I've been laid up for most of the week with chills and fever. I tried to be a bigshot last night and make it through without any nausea drugs and i was rewarded with vomiting every 1/2 hour throughout the night. The nurse came in in the morning decided to but me on the heaviest anti-nausea drug they have. The only problem with this drug is you can only take it once a day. It's 9:30 PM right now and i have yet to throw up since they gave me the drug but i can see myself doing so shortly. The doctors are a bit concerned about what is causing my fevers. Apparently, after my CT scan yesterday they found a small pocket of air in my liver. Normally in a healthy human being you barely register that you have air in liver, but in me they think that this my be causing my fever.

I guess i should talk about how i woke up yesterday. I realized that yesterday was the 4 week anniversary of my center line insertion. What amazes me is how many times the staff chose not to use it. Now i realize with certain procedures there certain requirements but my first vivid memory yesterday morning was blood being drawn from the central line, left arm and an IV started in my right hand...all at the same time!!

Apparently the CT guys don't like using the central line and hence the IV insertion. The CT experience wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I was expecting a 10 ft. long tunnel of darkness but instead it was just a tiny room i was passed through. The only lousy part of the procedure was the fluid i had to drink an hour before hand. I think the hospital staff find it amusing to trick the pukey guy into a variety of nasty liquids.

So in general physical terms the doctors say i am doing above expected with regards to my blood levels. The only thing they are waiting for now is to get this fever out of the way so i can go home. Another interesting phenomena is the lose of patches of hair. Surprisingly enough i have tons of stubble on my head. What i am noticing however are the bald patches on my arms , legs, testicles and most of my pubic hair making me look like a 12 year old.

Emotionally however i am not doing well. I seem to be crying much more than usual and for silly things....like the Canadian Tire commercial where the man wants a small Christmas party and it turns into a big one. At the end of the commercial they wife tells the husband they are expecting another child by the next Christmas. As soon as she does this I begin to ball like a little child. I', becoming very tired of this place. I find myself waking up in the morning and crying because i know where i am. Every hospital room has its own ambience...lighting to come and go in the night. It's because of this that i know i am in a hospital room. I used to dream about being at home but now all i can dream about is my hospital bed. Caity brought the kids here 2 days ago and instead of reacting in a fatherly way my 1st reaction who are these babies. I didn't recognize them as mine. They are twice as large as my babies The only memories i have are of the twins as premies. i feel like i am missing out on so much. And i feel guilt that i am imposing this on everyone else.

So to close i am going to half heartedly promise to write in my diary tomorrow.

Thanks for the emails

Sorry for the tardy responses.....I haven't been able to check up in a couple of days

PS: Wendy, thanks for the hats