Day +52 - Too Far Away

I hope that every shower I take in the morning will wash away some of the anger and frustration I'm currently feeling. It feels like someone has stolen my life and replaced it with an existence that is not supposed to be mine. I can remember a time when I would wake up late on a Saturday and roll over to casually kiss my wife. It would then be a leisurely walk at the Southland dog park, some house stuff, and then Caity and I would stare at each other and figure out what the hell to do at night. I can remember a time when I was tired from the 5 am workouts, not the 4 am feedings. I remember a time when coming up to Canmore for 4 days was an exciting idea, not a stressful endeavor.

I know that that life is dead to me. I have new responsibilities and I have new limitations on myself, but for some reason I'm not dealing with it well this week. My short fuse is back and I'm worried about being with the babies due to my temper. I can't understand why life is so hard for me to deal with right now.

Let me paint a picture for you.

I'm in Canmore, and it's a beautiful snowy day. It's almost as beautiful as a painting outside. I have family all around me taking care of my babies, and I have absolutely no demands on my time right now. It's like the ideal vacation for some, but again I feel alone and isolated. All I can think about is how far away I am from the Tom Baker in case anything goes wrong. I want to close my eyes and curl up in my own bed, and shut the world out until all this silliness is behind me. And once again, I have to let everyone know that it's nobody's fault but mine. I'm stuck in my own brain, and I am making everyone around me miserable. I'm not being much of a husband to Caity, and I know that I'm not doing the kids justice with my temper. I'm snapping at my mom, and I'm not sure how I'm really interacting with everyone else.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the mental part of cancer is much harder to deal with than the physical. If I go throw up right now, I'll feel much better physically, but my brain has no way to throw up. I'm mad at what life has thrown me and I have nothing to yell at. I'm still not able to work out so that throws away the only way I've ever found to burn off the aggression.

I've cooled off a bit after reading my entry. Everything I've written is still valid, but I'm a bit less wound up. Hair is still growing in so I'm happy about that. I'm going to go cuddle my babies and maybe repent for all the things I thought about doing to them at 4 in the morning.