Day +62

Okay, we're back in action. Although in the last 3 hours this web page has moved computers, crashed 2 times, and disappeared completely for 15 minutes, I think I've got it working right.

So, lets get to the heart of the matter today. I'm a 7C right now, and I'm feeling a bit twitchy. I'm not raging any more now that I've learned that it's okay for a baby to cry. I've been told by more than one parent that putting a inconsolable baby down to cry herself out is a good thing sometimes. The two times I lost my cool, I was trying to make two babies stop crying at the same time. That's a hard task for anyone, let alone a steroid-influenced, cancer patient.

Caity has really stepped up to the plate since the Super Grandma team has gone home. She does the nighttime feeds by herself so that I can sleep, and in the morning she takes the babies downstairs and sleeps on the couch so that I can sleep in. Once again I find myself in a situation, where I am pissed that I'm too tired to help the way I want to, and someone else is picking up the slack for me. Every morning I wake up and feel like shit for not being able to get up in the middle of the night to help out.

Now, I must say that overall, I'm not enjoying the newborn baby experience that much. I still find a lot of the kids behaviors frustrating and irrational, and I long for the day when I can interact with them a lot more. We are getting smiles from the twins, but I'm looking for the ability to use sentences, the ability to walk, etc.etc. I love my babies with all of my heart, but I'm not enjoying the maintenance aspect of the twins. They take a lot of work, and a lot of time and if I had more energy, or patience, I'm sure I wouldn't mind so much. I still have hope for my abilities as a father as the toddler age looms closer and closer. I've always been great with the 2-11 kiddy crowd, and I know that I've got to put my time in now to fully appreciate when I've got 2 little girls climbing all over me in a couple of years. Those of you who know me as "Uncie Adam the world's funnest uncle" will have to take a back seat to my beautiful girls when they're your age. God that's going to be fun. This is how I see things in the future. Dad comes home from work and walks in the front door. He immediately gets bowled over by two dogs and two blonde haired beauties screaming DADDY!!!!! That's what gets me through the day. That's what I'm living for.

Caity and I made a trip downtown today to go to her place of employment for her yearly performance appraisal. She got 100% by the way. While she was in her meeting, I took the kids to my work and paid a visit. Once again, I have to say that it was good to be back in the office, but I was bagged after about half an hour. That was precisely when Ara decided it would be a good time to have a cry session. I found myself boarded up in one of Storm's kitchens, rocking a screaming baby trying to heat up frozen milk in the sink waiting for Caity to call on the cell. Oh, that reminds me.....

Caity and I went out and bought a cell phone. A nasty, disgusting tool of the yuppie that we swore we would never get if our lives depended on it. We got it for the ability to stay in contact if I was alone with the kids and Caity was out. She's still a little wary of leaving me alone with them due to the rage thing but with the cell phone, at least I'm able to call and get "talked down" from doing something stupid. It was also for the emergency situations on the road that we might find ourselves this winter. So with me feeling much calmer, and Caity feeling more comfortable leaving me alone, it looks like the cell phone will be a useful tool after all. I've caught myself finding excuses to use it for non-emergencies like twice tonight at the grocery store. God I'm a yuppie now!!!!!! At least I'm not sad enough to carry it around on my hip all the time....yet.

I've got one more thing that I need to get off my chest. A few people have commented that I shouldn't talk about my rage sessions in my journal entries. The main reason I've heard is that it can cast suspicion on me if anything were to happen to my babies. Having a web page that documents me flying off the handle is just what a court would need to make my life a living hell. I have one thing and one thing only to say to that.

How dare you.

I have become mad, yes. Madder than I've ever been before in my life? Yes. But I would never, ever allow myself to hurt my babies. This journal was meant to act as therapy for me, and a learning tool for those going through what I did. If I don't mention the anger, I am doing a great disservice to myself, and to those who read this. I hate to say it people, but the anger is a real issue that lots of people in my situation are dealing with. It is a side-effect of the drug therapy I am on, and it is not who I really am. It has taken me a long time to accept this, and I hope that others out there can accept this as well. Life is hard of a cancer patient, and anger is just one of the shitty things that we deal with.

This is who I am. I'm a guy struggling with the after effects of a bone marrow transplant. I'm hitting bumps in the road and I'm getting around them. If you want to keep a closer eye on me when I'm with my kids, fine. I can deal with that, it's a free country. You can do a lot of things in reaction to what I've written, just don't question the love I have for my kids. They're a pain in the ass sometimes, but they're mine and I wouldn't give them up if my life depended on it. Hell, I'm not even sure why they frustrate me, they haven't even started asking to borrow the car yet.

Okay. I've joked, I've aired some more dirty laundry, and I've possibly just helped a jury of my peers convict me at a future date. I've accomplished quite a lot today don't you think? Honestly, for those concerned, I don't believe the anger to be an issue anymore with the decreasing steroid dose I'm on. I just felt that it was important to write about it. I would like to offer strong caution to those of you on steroids out there. At high dosages (I started at 75mg of Prednesone, I'm at 35mg right now) and dosage changes you will need to deal with anger. If you get anything from this journal entry, please get it through your skull that this is a serious thing. I've been to a shrink, I've talked to the whole family about it, and I've got a network of people I can call if I find myself on the slippery slope of rage. I'm taking this shit seriously, and you should to.

That's it, I'm done preaching. Goodnight everyone.