It's insomnia time again, and while I wait for a sleeping pill to kick in, I'm going to unload some emotional issues. This may get weirder as the sleeping pill starts working, but bear with me.
I've got hair. It's coming in everywhere. You can actually see the change in my scalp colour as the hair starts to come in on my head. I've also got this fine baby hair that Caity and I just noticed tonight that appears to be all over my body. My moustache hairs are incredibly dark, and it's starting to look like I'm growing a really bad moustache if I don't shave for more than 24 hours. In fact, there is a colour change in the skin under my nose due to the darkness of my moustache hairs, so it always looks like I've got the makings of a really bad "1970's porn stache". Oddly enough, with the "porn stache" growing the way it is, you'd think I'd have SOME hair growth down below the belt.
Now I know I shouldn't be complaining about hair growth right now. Most people in my situation would love to see progress like this. All I can say right now is that it's uncomfortable. The hair folicles on my head and face are so used to being hairless, that the introduction of new hairs is actually a bit uncomfortable. My face and scalp feel like they are being stretched by all the new hair coming out of the skin. With the extra hair comes increased sensations, and my new head hair is tickling me when I put my head on my pillow at night. I'm getting the good old ingrown hairs on my neck from shaving too much, and I'm seriously considering getting laser treatment to permanently remove my beard and moustache hair when I get better. I've actually toyed with the notion of staying bald, but it's getting toughter and toughter to shave my head with the increase in new hair. It's not emotionally tough, it's just that the razor is having to cut more hair, so it doesn't slide across the top of the head like it used to. To all the ladies out there, shaving your head is kind of like shaving your underarms. Hair goes every direction, so you've got to shave up, than down, then change the angle and shave again. That's right, my head is exactly like one big armpit. How's that for a flattering analogy.
So I'm fighting with the notion of having hair again, and I'm getting a little nervous about February. February 3rd is my bone marrow biopsy date. They've got to go into my hip again with the big Fucking needle to get some samples. We find out how the transplaqnt really did at that point, but I've been told that Chronic Myeloid Leukemia likes to hang around for months if it wants. I'm not sure how anything could survive the shit they've put into me, but for some reason, CML seems to be the most stubborn of all the Leukemias (so I'm told by Dr. Chaudry). The bone marrow biopsy will however determine if I can come off a lot of drugs and get this central line out of me.
By the way, if those of you who have had a central line wouldn't mind emailing me with exactly how they take it out of me, I would be most appreciated. I keep seeing some masked Doctor standing over me assuming the standard "starting the lawn mower" position and just giving a good heave on the end of my line. That might work for some central lines I guess, but mine is tunneled under a good 4 inches of skin, and there's some kind of locking system that my tissues have know doubt grown around. Have you ever seen the movie Dune? Well, for those of you who haven't, I'll sum up for you. There's an evil Baron and he likes to put heart plugs in all of his slaves. A heart plug is basically a cork for the aorta. There is a pull tab placed on the exterior of the skin, and if the Baron wants to see you die, he simply pulls the tab, and your heart pumps it's contents all over the place in a spectactular mess. That's about what I'm expecting when it comes to the line removal. I know I'm being melodramatic, but I'm up at 3:21 am and I've got a little blue sleeping pill working it's way through my system, so let's have a little slack here ok?
The other issue I'm dealing with is the whole 30th birthday issue. I am on the fence and I'm not sure what to do. 30 is a big deal for most people. It just so happens that my 30th birthday is 3 days away from my 100th day post transplant. The 100th day post is a really big deal for Bone Marrow Transplant patients because that means that it's more than likely that you've gone through the worst and aren't likely to die anytime soon. At least that's what the statistics say. So February is a very big deal for me, and I thought that I should celebrate with a party.
Here's the problem.
I'm still a little afraid of crowds. I realized this when Shannon came over to watch a movie. She brought Presley, who is a bit more than a year old and the stereotypical germ factory that keeps young moms and day care workers from enjoying an illness-free life. I found myself pushing him away when all he wanted was a hug. I guess I'm still uncomfortable about being around people or high-risk persons. Christmas was a scary time for me, and I'm not sure how many people really knew how uncomfortable I was being in a crowded room during that time. I'm getting much better, but my reaction to Presley showed me that I'm still a little afraid of the scary bugs that are out there.
So my dilema is this. I'm facing 2 events in my life that most people would celebrate, and I want to enjoy this time with my friends and family, but I'm nervous about having a party. I also find life to be rather tiring on a normal day, I'm not sure if I've got the energy to host a big bash. On the other hand, my mixer has new beaters in it finally, and I find cooking very theraputic, so a big party at my house would be great. I've got a recipe book full of nothing but appetizers that has not been used to it's full potential, and I think I would have a blast making tasty treats for all my friends and family.
You know what, SCREW IT. If I can eat a 7-11 hotdog, I can have a big freaking party. A HUGE PARTY!!! One condition though. I don't want any presents. This is a celebration of life, and I don't want to lose sight of what I'm really celebrating here. I know some people can't resist buying a little something like a card, but it would mean more to me if you avoided the whole card issue in the first place. I never quite understood why they were so damned important to give to people, and I can't see why we as a society keep giving Hallmark a reason to exist. If you want to say Happy Birthday, come up to me and say Happy Birthday, it's as simple as that. Besides, like I've said before, Hallmark has yet to come up with a decent card that says "Congrats on going through Hell and Back".
So, to sum up, party YES, presents and cards NO, date and time?
I'll tell you tomorrow.
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