I missed something in my entry yesterday that I wanted to talk about. It's something that every living thing in the world has, and I think I just broke mine. What I'm talking about is the "fight or flight" response. You know, that feeling you get when you find yourself in a dangerous situation. You either turn and run, or stay and fight. Well, I've had to rename my "fight or flight" response to "fight or fight". I find myself almost looking for fights or confrontations, despite the fact that I'm weaker than shit. I don't know what the problem is, because I'm usually a mild mannered person. I'm no longer on the Prednisone so that's not the reason. It's also not directed at my kids or my wife, just random strangers. I found myself walking in downtown Canmore a couple of days ago, and I chose a specific portion of the sidewalk on purpose that made others move out of the way. I also was walking in the woods with the dogs a few days ago (one day after a bear killed a jogger in the same area) and I found myself looking for bears. I actually wanted to pick a fight with a bear!!!! How stupid am I?
Now, just so you realize how weak I am, I was wrestling with Caity last week and she easily overpowered me. Time after time, I would try to flip her over, but she would just casually grab my arms and pin me without too much effort. So for those of you who worried about what I might do to a complete stranger have no fear as I'm no threat to anybody. If I did pick a fight with someone, the newspaper headline would read something like this.
"Cancer Patient Picks Fight With Old Lady And Gets Ass Kicked"
I have a feeling that my weakness might be the problem. I used to be so strong, and I never had any fear, but I was also really calm then as well. Right now, I couldn't defend myself if I tried, and it's frustrating. I had a dream a couple of weeks ago where I was shopping in a mall and someone ran by and kidnapped one of my kids. I tried to chase him down, but I just couldn't keep up. I can't remember if I mentioned this in a previous journal entry, but when I went to my company's annual general meeting in downtown Calgary, I was afraid the entire time I was downtown. The two block walk to the C-train station (it's an aboveground subway system in Calgary) was terrifying, because I knew that if anyone wanted my wallet, they could easily have taken it, or worse. I pose no threat to anybody right now, and it's not that I want to be threatening, I just want to know that I could stand up for myself.
I don't think I look frail by any stretch of the imagination. I just don't have the energy to do anything harder than a walk right now. Caity says I've got the body of a swimmer right now, and she has commented on more than one occasion that I've got nice abs, but if you'll bear with me for a second, I'm going to use a bit of descriptive writing to paint a better picture about how I feel.
If I was a car before my transplant, I think I would have been a Hummer. Not the new ones mind you, I'm talking about the original super large version that took up one and a half lanes of traffic. I wasn't very speedy, but I was built like a brick house and I loved it. Now, I've got the body of an H3 (the really small new Hummer), but I've replaced the motor with a hamster in an exercise wheel. I can sit there and look ok, but I can barely move under my own power.
We're going back to Calgary today and I think I'll start lifting weights tomorrow. If you want a really good laugh, read my workout log over the next few days. It will probably say something like this
Day 1 - Went downstairs to the gym. Felt tired and had a nap. Went upstairs. No weight lifted today, but at least I made it all the way down the stairs.
This sucks.......
No comments:
Post a Comment