It's been a while since I felt bad for someone else. I'm used to looking around the room and seeing everyone else looking, sounding, and generally feeling better than I do. I beat the sinus infection I had, then proceeded to catch another cold. I just beat that one, and now my kidneys are killing me. People keep asking me when I am coming back to work, and the only thing I can say is that I still don't know. I catch EVERY cold I come in contact with, and I doubt I would be a very reliable employee.
"Sorry boss, I've got to call in sick again. I know it's the 18th day in a row, but I just keep getting sick"
Anyway, the past few days I've felt very sorry for someone else. That someone is my baby girl Kayla. She's cutting a top tooth right now and she doesn't understand why her head hurts all the time. She keeps crying and rubbing her head, and there's nothing I can do to explain to her that the pain will go away since she doesn't understand language yet. I was up with her until 6 am last night holding and rocking her as she sobbed quietly in her half-sleep. I'm starting to understand how Caity felt when I was in the hospital and there was nothing she could do to ease my pain. At least I knew what was going on, and I could express myself in other ways than just screaming.
I know it's irrational, but I feel like a horrible father. Aside from giving her baby Tylenol, and holding her until 6 am, there's nothing I can do to help her. And despite giving her Tylenol, she still cries herself to sleep. I know that Caity and I are doing everything we can to comfort her, but it just doesn't seem like enough. So let's see here, I'm weak, tired, sick, and I can't make my daughter's pain go away. I haven't contributed a thing to the gross domestic product of this country in over 7 months, and my insurance company is cursing themselves for not invoking the pre-existing condition clause in my contract. I feel completely and utterly useless right now. I'm most likely over tired, so take this entry with a grain of salt if you would.
I know that she is just cutting a tooth, and it's nothing to be worried about, but I have a new found respect for what my family and friends went through when I was sick. Feeling helpless sucks shit, and if I could, I'd take all of her pain away and put it on my already full plate of uncomfortable side effects, sickness, and symptoms. I'm tired right now, really tired, but I'm staying up because I know as soon as I go to bed, she'll start crying. It's happened twice in two days, so my fuzzy logic says that if I stay up, Caity will get some sleep. I'm the last person in the world who should be losing sleep right now, but I need to feel like I'm doing something right.
Anyway, before this entry gets more depressing, I'm going to end it (the journal entry that is). Night night everyone, and sweet dreams to my babies. PLEASE
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