Day +201 Anniversary? I missed it? Damn....

Somewhere in the last few days (or the next few days) is my 200th day post transplant. Caity just read this and double checked my math and it looks like my 200th day post transplant was the 28th. So Yee-Haw for me I guess. I know that I feel a lot better than at day 100 post transplant, but I also know that I've got a long way to go before I'm back in fighting shape. Or any shape for that matter. I'm at a loss for words at the fact that it's been over half a year since I went in for the procedure. Time has really flown by, and although most of the trip was very unpleasant, I would have to say that it was worth it because I'm still alive to type this today.

So what wondrous insights do I have from my experiences that I can share with you as a 200 day veteran of a bone marrow transplant? Nothing except don't get cancer if you can avoid it. If you've been reading my journal and you haven't found the desire to eat better, or get more exercise, or do something to help your future self out, well then I'm not sure why you keep coming to my website. Believe me when I say that you DO NOT want to be celebrating a 200th day anniversary for any type of cancer related procedure. All that means is you've just spent the last 200 days of your life in a very uncomfortable state to put it mildly. You haven't been able to work, you aren't allowed to go to any public places, and you end up missing a lot of interesting things because you've been stuck at home watching daytime television.

Now, I've been known to fly off the handle in this journal from time to time, and there have been times when I've made a few people mad, but I'm trying really hard not to go into another one of my rants. Unfortunately, I know people out there who read my journal every day and do nothing for themselves to prevent something like this from happening to them. I realize that there are some habits out there that are almost impossible to break, and my heart goes out to them if they ever get sick. If science comes up with a reason for why people get Leukemia, and it turns out it's from eating chocolate, well then I'm going to feel really stupid for eating so much chocolate all those years ago. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I almost lost the chance to watch my kids grow up, and the only reason I'm here right now is because of a procedure that was invented only 20 years ago. If this was 1970, I would have lived for about half a year and that would have been it and Caity would be a single mother of two. I got very lucky in the fact that I got a type of cancer with a very high cure rate. There are some other forms of cancer out there that aren't as friendly, and I really feel sad for anyone out there unfortunate enough to get stuck with them.

If I could have one wish, it would be to give everyone in the world the power and strength to stop just one horrible habit before it's too late. It's not too late to throw out that pack of cigarettes, or stop pissing your money away buying fast food that has no nutritional value. It's never too late to get off your ass and get some excursive. It's never, ever to late to look at your friends and loved ones and realize that you want to be around to see them as long as possible.

I'm trying really hard not to sound preachy. My only goal here is to prevent someone from having to go through what I went through. Believe me when I say that no habit is worth going through chemotherapy. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. If you don't believe me, then I can count ten people who have been through much worse and I'm sure they'd back me up on this point.

This entry hasn't been directed at any one person in particular, but if you think I'm talking about you, then maybe you should look in a mirror and set some new priorities in life. I do know several people I wish I could help, but all I can offer them is my love and support, and the knowledge that if they ever needed any help with anything I would be the first person to step up and offer any help I could. Like I said before, if it means that I help one person avoid a stay at the Tom Baker I'll do anything and everything I can. Don't believe me? My email is at the top of the page. Hold me to what I've just said, you won't be disappointed. Send an email to both addresses if you want, I'll answer any and every email I get.

On that note, I wanted to let everyone out there know that I'm going to start volunteering at the Tom Baker in the near future. It's one four hour shift a week, so I think I'll be able to handle it, but I hope that helps you see how committed I am to beating this stupid disease. There's an information session on June 1st that I'll be attending, and then it sounds like they interview each person individually to see where they would fit the best. I'm not sure where they'll place me, but with my experience as a bone marrow transplant recipient, I'm hoping that I can be put in a place where I can help the patients as well as their friends and family that have to go through the procedure.

I'll stop preaching now, and be on my way. I hope this entry hasn't fallen of deaf ears because you really have no idea how horrible life can feel like if you're not careful. They say that one in three people will get cancer, so let me be the cancer statistic instead of you and do something to fix your current lifestyle. Do it for your family, do it for your friends, and do it for yourself so that the next time I go to the Tom Baker Cancer Centre, I don't see you there.

Take care.

Day +200 Let Me Explain...No, There Is Too Much. Let Me Sum Up.

Well, it seems like this website (and Pete Rainford) are reconnecting me to old friends, old mentors (the Youngs), and a whole bunch of new friends. Since you could spend hours looking through my journal before you found anything, I've decided to put up a brief summary of my life since April 27th 2003.

First time the word Cancer was used to describe me - April 27th 2003

First night in the hospital ever - April 27th 2003

Estimated blood tests since my diagnosis - 200 (I guess about 1.2 litres of blood in total)

Number of Bone marrow biopsies - 5

Total days in the hospital due to cancer - 40

Number of doctors I know because of my cancer - 7

Estimated cost to the Alberta taxpayer and my insurance company - close to $400,000 dollars (thanks by the way)

Number of holes drilled into my bone marrow donor's hips and thighs - close to 200

Number of times I've vomited due to cancer - I've lost count. I would guess close to 1000 times since November 2004

Number of times I brutally choked on dead pieces of my esophagus - 6

Pounds lost since Nov 2004 - 40

Number of medications I've been on since April 2003 - about 30, not all at once though (daily max was about 12 at a time)

Number of times I thought I would die - 0

Those are just some of the things that I can remember that have happened to me in the last 2 years. I consider myself lucky since I know people who are in much worse shape than I'm in right now.

Getting back to the present day, I'm still fighting my head cold, but I think I might be getting better. Last night I don't remember waking up from choking on my own mucus so I consider that to be a step in the right direction. Caity is being an absolute wonder by letting me sleep as long as I want to, so I owe her bigtime when I get better. I've been feeling a bit stronger as of late, and I think that's due to the fact that I'm eating normally again. I've decided to lay off milk for another couple of months since every time I have a glass I don't feel well. My doctors at the Tom Baker say that a lot of people get Lactose intolerant after what I've went through, but they say it's usually temporary. I love milk, but I love not puking even more, so we're drinking lemonade, and taking calcium supplements for a while longer.

Caity and I went for a long walk at the dog park yesterday. Normally I'm wiped out by the end of a walk, but lately I seem to be feeling better and better after walking. I'm avoiding going for a hike in the mountains for a while since flat ground is still a challenge for me, but I'm trying to take very small baby steps, and I'm also trying to be proud of what I've accomplished, rather than disappointed about what I can't do yet.

That's it for today, talk to you later.

Day +197 The Incredible Shrinking Adam

We're still in Canmore house-sitting for Caity's parents, and I have picked up a brutal head cold that won't go away. With everything I've been through in the past six months, you'd think nothing would amaze me about my body, but the volume and colour of the snot that I blow out of my head on an hourly basis scares me. I wish I could describe the mucus to you in better detail, but basically it's the colour that makes you say "Oh crap, something is very wrong with me". It sounds like Caity is starting to get it as well, so hopefully I can shake this before Caity goes down for the count. It's hard enough taking care of the twins when we're both healthy (I use that word loosely for myself), but I'd hate to see what this place would be like if we both felt like I do now.

I'm starting to notice that I'm swimming in the old clothes that used to fit me so well. For last year's Stanley Cup Finals, I got a Calgary Flames shirt a size too small to show off my body, (I was 205 at the time and stronger than I've ever been in my life) and it's loose on me now. I've got to wear a belt with all of my pants and shorts, and I didn't really realize how much muscle I had lost until I started to notice myself in the mirror after a shower. I'm still a respectable 168, so I look like the average Joe, but there was something very empowering about always getting asked to move furniture or heavy boxes at work. I was the tough guy, the muscle man, and now I'm just another average Joe. Maybe I was overcompensating for being a skinny runt in highschool, but I enjoyed the fact that I had to buy special dress pants so that they'd fit my legs.

The twins are giving me a run for my money on a daily basis. Kayla's teeth finally broke through, and Ara doesn't seem to be fussing as much despite the absence of any teeth we can find. We're working on adding unsweetened applesauce to the diet, and so far they're both not dead or sick so it seems to be working. Other parents have told us to start with veggies so that they don't get used to the sweetness of fruit, but we tried strained peas a couple of days ago and they smelled so bad that I was disgusted. Healthy or not, I will not serve my kids something that I wouldn't eat myself.

Speaking of eating, I'm on par with what I should be eating now. I have been nausea free for two weeks now, and I've been working on incorporating snacks into my daily intake. Right now, I'm still eating whatever I want, and I seem to be holding my body weight for a change. I'm still holding off on any weights or hard cardio since I've made the mistake of trying too much too soon, but I figure that if I give my body a couple more weeks with a full tummy, I should be able to start back at some light weights and easy cardio. This is going to be very hard for my ego to swallow, but I'm going to set my dumbbells at five pounds and just go from there. Every week I'll add five pounds and that should put me back up to where I was before in oh......about two years. Sigh....

Well, since the kids are sleeping finally, it's time for my nap as well. I've started lying down every time the kids go down, and it seems to be helping with the energy levels. Oh, and despite the fact that I can't ride the motorcycle due to lack of insurance, I still have to start it every couple of days to charge the battery. Sitting on an running motorcycle, and not being able to ride it is possibly the most cruel and inhumane thing I can think of. It breaks my heart to know that I have to wait until Jim gets back before we can transfer ownership, AND INSURANCE to me. Damn you Jim, damn you for making me fall in love with that two wheeled monster.

Anyway, off to bed. Two naps in one day.....how sad.

Day +192 Teething

It's been a rough couple of days. The twins decided to both start teething two days ago and they've been very difficult to deal with. I understand why they've been crying and screaming, but somehow at 5 in the morning yesterday that didn't seem to make it any easier. I spent three hours last night (from 2 to 5) rocking and cuddling a baby in pain, and I'm not sure who it was harder for. Kayla has now broken the surface on two bottom teeth and is feeling much better, while Ara is still working on two bottom teeth of her own. I hope they feel better soon, because I can't do much more of this without breaking down and crying.

On another sad note, my motorcycle riding is done. We found out today that Jim doesn't have it insured, so there's no more riding for me. I could deal with the driving without a licence fine, but the fine for driving without insurance is just too high for me to take the chance.

That's it for today, I don't have the energy to write much, plus there are other issues that I can't deal with in this medium that are really bothering me. I hope to get my shit together in the next little while, so hopefully there will be a better entry in the furure.

Goodnight, and vote for BO on Tuesday if you watch American Idol.

Day +189 Enema Juice goes WHERE?

I wish I could describe the energy that I feel right now. We're in Canmore house sitting for a month, and Jim (my father-in-law) told me to start the motorcycle every couple of days to keep the battery charged. Well Jim, after a trip to Harvey Heights and back I'd say the motorcycle is fully charged. To be fair, you never said the motorcycle had to be stationary while it was running :-)

Anyway, I've got a feeling inside me right now that I haven't felt is a long, long time. The wind in my face, the feeling of speeding down the road on two wheels, I guess the whole experience gave MY batteries a recharge. It's most likely the adrenaline, but I really hope this feeling lasts a while, because I actually feel like my old self right now. I feel powerful, I feel strong, and I feel like I could conquer the world.

My hospital visit yesterday was long but interesting. The CMV virus that I was fighting was a NEW virus for me. That was why I got soooooo sick a while back. It turns out that both my donor and I were CMV negative, and somewhere back about a month ago, I managed to pick it up. My immune system has managed to fight it off, and I'll never have to worry about it again. I'm back to being tested for all the other viruses that could cause problems, and unfortunately they decided to have the bloodwork continue AFTER I had come back from my first round of bloodwork. So I got poked in the same vein twice in one day, and I had a bone density scan, and a chest X-ray. I really felt like a lab rat there for a while.

But here's the funny part about yesterday. There's a sore on my tongue that might or might not be Graft Vs. Host, so I got a mouthwash to swish with four times a day. Unfortunately, the mouthwash they gave me is usually used as an enema. That's right, I get to hold enema liquid in my mouth for four times a day until the sore goes away. I didn't want to ask what doctor thought of that idea, but they say it works great so who am I to argue. Besides, it has no taste, so I just have to get past the mental aspect of swishing with a colon cleanser.

Well, it seems that the energy rush is starting to wear off, but at least for a brief time I felt like my old self. If Jim doesn't mind, I think I'll recharge the batteries on that motorcycle everyday. Don't worry, I'm staying away from populated areas, highways, and downtown, and yes, I'm practicing all of my turns and emergency stops every day before I open the throttle and drop the hammer on that 250cc beast. I know he never said that the motorcycle was to be ridden, but he never said I couldn't so I'm choosing to read between the lines on this one. Besides, if we consider riding a motorcycle to be part of my cancer treatment, it's far less dangerous than most of the stuff I've been through in the last six months, right?

Thanks Jim, for making me feel alive again.

Day +182 Don't you come anywhere NEAR me with that Needle

I think that's the last fast food I'll ever eat. Usually Wendy's is my comfort food, but after my latest doctors visit today I needed a mental boost. It was tasty, but it left me feeling very unsettled. A word to the wise...if you ever want to eat fast food again, don't watch the movie Super Size Me. I felt disgusted with myself after I had eaten, and proceeded to go to the grocery store and pick up everything that I could find that was organic and or natural. At least I'm on day 2 without any significant nausea so that's a plus.

I also got myself a new family doctor. Because I'm a new patient, he wanted to do the standard tests which included bloodwork, and I told him in no uncertain terms that there was no way in hell I was signing up for that. I've been poked by a needle 4 times in 7 days, so I told him that if he wanted my medical history he could call the Tom Baker and get it for himself. I tried to do it as politely as possible, but I swear to God, if anyone comes at me with a needle in the next week I'm going to break their arms. I know that I'm normally known for my good sense of humor, but I've had enough for a while. Currently I can count 6 healing needle marks on my arms, and I'm starting to worry if my veins will hold out for much longer. Today, it hurts to swallow a bit, and they must have used a lubricant to get the tube up my butt yesterday, because my bowel movements have got an exit velocity that is comparable to a surface-to-air missile.

My father-in-law was nice enough to scan my colon pics into his computer and he emailed them to me this morning. You can find them in the pictures section of the website. I also included pictures of my retinas that were taken back when I had my laser eye surgery in 2001. I'm going to start a collection of my body pictures since I've always been a biology nut. That really does explain why I work as an accountant doesn't it? Yeah, it doesn't make much sense to me either. I think that I'm interested in biology, but I'd never, ever want to work in the medical profession. Pictures of my colon are one thing, but pictures of other peoples colons have little to no interest to me. There are also new pictures of the babies standing, but don't worry, the graphic pics of my body are tucked away on a different page, so you don't have to worry about seeing my babies and my colon on the same screen.

Anyway, I'm babysitting tonight while Caity gets some much needed socializing time out with her friends so I'd better cut this short. Talk to you later.

Day +181 The GoLytely Experience

Sorry for the lack of an update on Sunday with the GoLYTELY but it was really hard to get more than 10 feet away from the bathroom to get anything else done. Needless to say, I hope I never have to go through that again. As far as the scope went this afternoon, I wish I could report anything special from the procedure, but because I'm taking sleeping pills in order to get sleep, they jacked up my sedatives in order to make sure I'd be under. It's taking a while to wear off so I'm sorry if I botch the spelling or general coherence of this entry. I did get pictures that my father-in-law is scanning for me as we speak. They managed to find some colitis (inflammation of to large intestine) and I won't know the results for two weeks.

I have a need right now to get lots of stuff off my chest, but I just don't know where to start. I'm not even sure if there is anything specific wrong with me mentally, but it feels like my brain is really trying to struggle with an important issue. It's most likely a residual effect from the drugs I got this afternoon so instead of trying to bitch about something I'm unsure of, I'm just going to leave it for a day or so.

Tomorrow I've got bloodwork at the Tom Baker at 9:00am and then a visit to my family doctor to get a requisition for a semen analysis. I want to see if I've got the swimmers left. I know I wrote a journal entry a while ago where I regretted the possibility of not being able to have more kids, but I have come to the realization that I have two of the most beautiful kids in the world, and I like our current family where it is. Besides, with our track record, if we wanted another baby, we've got to be prepared for at least two more. Two sets of twins is a bit more than we're financially able to handle, so if I am producing sperm still, I've got a vasectomy in my very near future. God, I'm getting tired of people cutting into me.

Right now, I've got a sleeping pill in me and it is having no effect. I guess after a double dose of Valium and Morphine, a simple sleeping pill is the equivalent of taking medication from a Pez dispenser. Let's hope that I'm not up for too long tonight.

Day +178 The Right Attitude

Ok, what the hell? I'm not on any anti-nausea medication right now and I don't feel like throwing up. Personally I think my body found out that a large hose is about to be inserted up my bum on Monday, and is trying desperately to talk me out of it. Guess what body, we're going through it whether you like it or not.

So right now I'm sitting here eating my lunch which consists of white cranberry cocktail, and vegetable broth. I can't have any solid food until Monday night, and I can't drink anything red or orange since that will hinder the detection of any bleeding in my G.I. tract. Tomorrow morning I get to start drinking my 4 litre jug of GoLYTELY (see main page for picture). I have to drink it at a rate of 8 ounces for every 10 minutes. For those of you wondering that's 133 consecutive shot glasses of laxatives consumed at about one shot per minute. And yes that means that there will be 4 litres of wonder fun coming out of me at about the same pace. Logistically, I doubt I'll be going to the Price family Mother's Day barbecue since I want to be as close to a toilet as possible.

So how far up (and down) will these hoses be going? Well, I've got some pain on my right side which means the scope has got to go all the way around and down to my appendix. The hose going down my throat will be traveling through my stomach and partway into my small intestine. The G.I. doctor flat out dismissed my request to have the cameras meet in the middle. I think she thought I was nuts for the request, but I sure made the reception staff laugh a lot. They said I had a great attitude and they wished more people were like me.

Here's the part that I have trouble with. While talking with the reception staff at the G.I. lab we got on the subject of cancer diagnosis. I guess while scoping people they sometimes find colon cancer. So the people who work there sometimes have the misfortune of informing a patient that they have cancer. Some people take it well, and some people just assume it's a death sentence. This goes out to those people who just assume they're going to die.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

That kind of mentality is just mind boggling to me. I've been through a rough time, but I'm fighting, and if I do say so myself I'm winning. Even if I don't win this fight, I think I still fought it well, and if I die I want to go down kicking and screaming. I've had my low points where I questioned whether or not I could do it, but I will be fighting this thing right down to my last breath. With all the statistics showing that cancer is becoming more and more treatable, I don't understand why you wouldn't choose your glass to be half full. Anyway, getting back to my conversation with the receptionist, I guess she's been doing this for a long time and she confirmed that those people who think they're going to die usually get their wish. I guess the biggest lesson I've learned from this whole experience is that the mind is stronger than anyone really thinks. I've lost 50 pounds so far, and I can barely lift my kids up sometimes, but I would argue that I am stronger now than I ever have been in my entire life. When I get my physical strength back, everyone in the powerlifting world better stand back and watch me kick all sorts of ass. I used to question if I would ever get back under a squat bar, but I have no doubts about it now.

People to this day still accuse Lance Armstrong of using performance enhancing drugs to get where he is today. People, I've got to warn you about something. NEVER INSULT LANCE ARMSTRONG IN MY PRESENCE. He is my idol, my hero, and I will kick your fucking ass if you bad mouth him in front of me. He went through more hell than me, and that's why he's the tough bastard he is today. Survive cancer and you'd be amazed at what you are able to do. That's his edge, and now that's MY edge.

And if you thought Lance Armstrong was tough, you've seen nothing until you've met my wife. I DARE you to take her on because she's been fighting right alongside me ever since this started. It's hard enough to fight cancer, but I think it's harder to watch a loved one do it and I doubt I could do what she's done. I take a backseat to her when it comes to strength and I would really fear for someone's life if they ever crossed her. Other than Lance Armstrong, she is my idol. Everyday she has a family to raise and a husband to care for, and she does it with a smile. She is my rock, my base, and the reason I'm here to type this today. Oh, and if you thought I'd kick your ass for insulting Lance Armstrong, that's nothing compared to what I'd do to you if you insulted her.

Before a heavy lift, my training coach Bruce would put on an AC/DC tape and blast it at full volume. There's a whole lot of AC/DC on the radio right now so that's probably why this journal entry is a little more angry. AC/DC just gets my adrenaline surging and really gets the blood boiling. I'm going to call it a day, but I'll have a running dialogue describing my laxative experience up tomorrow. We're also going to try and get a camera into the scope room on Monday to get pictures of me getting scoped. Don't worry, we'll only take pictures of the mouth scope. I don't want my butt on the internet. Yet :-)

Day +175 CYTOMEGALOVIRUS!!!!!!!!

I'm still sick right now, but at least I know a bit more than I did on Monday. I've got a virus called cytomegalovirus, and it can be quite problematic, but guess what? Chances are you've got the same virus that I do. I've been told that 80% of the population has this virus but most of the time it is kept in check by your immune system. Most of the time, it's as harmless as the virus that causes cold sores, but in immuno-compromised people like me it can be a bit of a problem. Here's a direct quote from a medical website I found.

What are the signs and symptoms of cytomegalovirus?

Active infection in otherwise healthy children and adults can cause prolonged high fever, chills, severe tiredness, a generally ill feeling, headache, and an enlarged spleen.

Most infected newborns have no symptoms at birth, but, in some cases, symptoms will appear over the next several years. These include mental and developmental problems and vision or hearing problems. In rare cases, a newborn can have a life-threatening infection at birth. Infants and children who get CMV infection after birth have few, if any, symptoms or complications. When symptoms do appear, they include lung problems, poor weight gain, swollen glands, rash, liver problems, and blood problems.

People with weakened immune systems can have more serious, potentially life-threatening illnesses, with fever, pneumonia, liver infection, and anemia. Illnesses can last for weeks or months and can be fatal. In persons with HIV infection, CMV can infect the retina of the eye (CMV retinitis) and cause blindness.

Sounds fun right? Yeah, I'm looking forward to this. On the bright side my scope (both up and down) is scheduled for Monday to check out the pipes. It sounds like I've got to spend my weekend "cleansing" and I can only assume that means enemas, enemas, and more enemas. At least I don't have to collect any more fecal matter. Two jars of it are currently sitting in my fridge and if you will permit me, I'd like to describe what I went through to collect them this morning.

Have you ever pooped into a large plastic container? I had to for a while in the hospital so they could measure the volume that was coming out of me. The container in question is like a half moon that fits onto your standard toilet bowl so you can sit down and collect specimens in relative comfort. My first issue with this type of receptacle is that the container is less than 4 inches deep. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HAD A POOP THAT MEASURED LESS THAN FOUR INCHES!!!!! There is nothing more annoying than having to stand up to finish your bowel movement so that it doesn't smear all over your backside. My second issue with the collection container, is that is DOES NOT FIT MY TOILET. Within 10 seconds, the container slipped and fell into the toilet. So, I had to haul a dripping plastic container filled with my own feces out of my toilet to transfer my "deposit" into two smaller specimen containers.

Here's where I learned to appreciate the fact that we normally poop into water. Water does not allow smells to escape very well, and since there was no water in the container, the smells were allowed to permeate the upstairs bathroom with an astonishing speed. Since I'm still fighting nausea I don't deal with smells like that well, so I headed downstairs for a breather, and to retrieve my Popsicle stick and jar to extract the samples. I must point out at this time that some of the drugs that I'm on are incredibly effective at increasing the potency of fecal smells so by the time I got back upstairs to collect my samples, the entire upstairs of my house had become inhabitable due to the odor. 20 minutes later, with nose plugs firmly attached, and all the windows in the house open and both bathroom fans at full power I tackled the task of filling my specimen containers. One of my cats came bouncing upstairs to see what I was up to, took one sniff and ran away. I haven't seen that cat in over 8 hours. I can't blame him though.

So, several hundred dry heaves later, I came downstairs with samples in hand. I really feel sorry for the poor bugger who gets to test those samples. What a shitty job that guy must have.

Anyway, enough about my poop, let's move on to my day. I spent the entire day watching TV and downloading game demos off of the internet. For those of you who are into video games, DOOM 3 is possibly one of the most graphically impressive games I've ever seen. It also has some of the most pathetic game play I've ever played. You're in almost complete darkness most of the time, and while you ARE given a flashlight to see where you are going, you have to put the flashlight away to pick up your gun. So with gun in hand, you get to stare at a pitch black screen while monsters surround you and beat the crap out of you. I loved Doom and Doom 2, but the game designers really dropped the ball when they created this piece of garbage.

I've also been spending my day trying to get back into the habit of consuming food. I seem to be able to drink water and skim milk, but anything heavier than that and I start having difficulty getting it down. Right now I'm slowly working on some pasta, and it seems to be going down alright, but it's most definitely a fight to keep solids down. As of today, I have officially dropped below 170 pounds, however I am losing weight slower than I was 2 weeks ago so I guess that's progress. There's got to be something really wrong with my body, if Zofran (21 dollars PER PILL) doesn't get rid of my nausea. My guess is that I've got an infection, or some kind of sore in my intestines that is getting irritated and causing the cramps and general discomfort. I hope they find something when they go exploring because I'm in great need of some answers.

Well, The Hunt for Red October is on, and it's one of my favorite movies (even if it is edited for television), so I'm going to go. Stay tuned, as I'm going to see if I can get some video from the scope to put on the internet. Admit it, you want to know what my bowels look like!!!!!

Later

Day +173 Home Alone

I'm in a cold, empty house right now. I'll get back to why it's cold and empty in a second, but let's start from the top.

I've been having a rough go of it lately. The nausea isn't going away, and last night I had one of the largest (volume-wise) bouts of vomiting I can recall in a long while. Caity had the unfortunate timing of needing to go to the washroom just as I was needing to puke so I chose the next best thing, the kitchen sink. There is nothing worse than picking out the big chunks from the drain of a kitchen sink, so I advise that if you need to puke, choose another receptacle to deposit your vomit.

Anyway, Caity and I decided that enough was enough and went to the hospital today. They ran the standard blood work, and this time I stood my ground and basically said to the Doctor that I was not well, and I wanted something done about it. So now I've got to collect my poop, and send it to the lab. I've also got an appointment with a G.I. scope (camera up the bum) as well as possibly a camera down the throat. I really hope they wash it first. If they do the two cameras at once, I'll see if I can get them to take a picture of the one camera with the other camera in my small intestine. It will be like the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel only inside my G.I. and with camera snakes instead of fingers.

So now, I'm on the same anti-nausea medication that they give patients DURING CHEMOTHERAPY, and it seems to be working slightly. I'm also down below my lowest hospital weight. I've been trying to eat for the past four days, but for all my hard work, I just keep slipping away. Our scale (which Caity bought last Wednesday) tells me that I'm skinnier than what I used to weigh in high school. I've gone from being a 220 pound man who can squat 600 pounds to a 175 pound man who breathes heavy at the top of my house's single flight of stairs. On the upside, the doctors at the Tom Baker don't think it's graft vs. Host. They don't understand why this nausea is still lingering but at least the testing process has started. It's probably a silly little problem with my intestines that can be fixed up in no time, but I'm finding it difficult to be patient while they figure out what's wrong. I know that a couple of weeks doesn't sound too bad, but I've had nausea or fatigue, or diarrhea or all three at once for the past six months straight. I know that I joked in an earlier journal entry that the transplant process would be like a bad flu for six months. Well, I'm almost at the six month mark, and I feel worse that when I left the hospital. I now understand that this is not a joke. There is nothing funny about what I'm going through, and I'm running out of ways to find this life acceptable. I was actually hoping to be back to my old self by July 1st. Now, I'm just hoping that I can have a couple of days off from the hell that I currently live in. That brings me to the cold empty house.

Caity packed up the kids and the dogs and took them to Canmore. She said that I needed a vacation from all the stress of life, and even though it broke my heart, I have to agree that I could probably use the rest. I wish there was a happy medium that would allow me to spend time with my kids and then go away when I need to, but with twins, everyone is on the go, all the time. I am also not very good at sitting down and watching others take care of my kids.

So, I'm sitting at home, just me and the cats. The house is surprisingly low on baby furniture, since we stuffed everything into the Ford Focus just in case Caity is out there for longer than a few days. It's amazing how much we can stuff into a station wagon. Right now, Caity is in the car with two carseats, 3 bags of clothes, two baby swings, an Exersaucer, a Jumperoo, two 60 pound dogs, two high chairs, two baby backpack carriers, a double breast-feeding pillow, a full-size playpen and numerous small bags filled with baby feeding supplies. I used to laugh at my sister-in-law for hauling around so much baby crap, but I now understand why she did it. Every piece of baby equipment gives you one more option to entertain a fickle 7 month old. You can only play peek-a-boo for so long before you need a break, and if a large plastic saucer will distract the kid for half an hour, you do whatever it takes to get that half an hour. If it means that you don't have room to bring a change of clothes for yourself, then that's what you do.

Anyway, I'm going for a nap. I don't have to worry about any feedings, crying, or any other distractions so I can sleep as long as I want. On the other hand, no one will be there to smile at me when I wake up, so I'm not sure if I got the better part of this deal. I already miss my babies and my wife terribly, but I've got to take this time and get some rest so that Caity's efforts will not have been in vain. If you're reading this in Canmore Caity, I want you to know that I love you with all of my heart, and I wish there was a way that I could thank you for giving me the break that I need. I miss you so much, and I wish there was another way to do this.

When you get home, I want some SERIOUS baby-daddy time.

I love you so much.

Adam